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Monday, October 18th, 2004
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9:07 pm - So....
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Here I am again.
Doubtfull anyone still comes here Ive been gone so long
I broke up with maury back in june. it was the hardest thing i have ever done and I miss her so much. But she was going off to school in Seattle and i knew i would be stuck here and i couldnt stand the thought of not being able to be with her.. been there done that... ended horribly. I dont do long distance relationships... i refuse i wont. well... i dont know. I keep telling myself that but i just dont know anymore...
Im dating this woman named crystal.. she was my boss.. then she quit and started working for another company then we started dating... she was my roomate and i plan on moving back in with her again real soon. ( i moved back to my parents because i got tired of hearing my mom beg me to come back so i just gave in even though i was doing more then fine on my own) Crystal is a awesome person dont get me wrong.. shes great but shes not maury. I went over to the apartment last night and all i could do was sit there and wish she was maury and thats not right. but i cant have maury because shes not here and i really should let her go out and explore a little seeing how im the only person shes ever really been with. but is it so bad of me that i just want to be selfish i just want maury to myself i dont want anyone else to look at her or touch her It bugs the hell out of me that I KNOW that shes going to find someone else and that person wont be me..
Anyway on another note, work sucks i hate my job im looking for a new one Im so fucking tired of managing four stores its not even funny oh and yeah i get to do a nice 14 hour shift tomorrow.. yay 50 hours this week... im going to get yelled at by my gm for it it should be a whole lot of fun mmhmm... its gonna be a nice pay check though.
hm.. what else have i done since my last post... Oooo i went and got my hood pierced cause my sister didnt want to go do it alone... that was the single most painful thing ever...the lady had to go through it with the needle three fucking times before she was able to put the jelwery in... i bled everywhere it was horrible.
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| Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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12:07 am
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Wow its been awhile since i wrote in here... i guess i should get off my ass and do that hm?
Things for the most part havent changed to much, maury and i are still doing wonderful, we are getting ready to go out to seattle in august...
Right now im looking for a fucking JOB i hate colorado and the no jobs.
I havent had to much time to be online anymore... I miss my online friends... cough cough rochelle... cough cough mandy...
I'm getting ready to go spend two weeks at angies house and i really dont want to do it.. her great grandmother just passed away and her mom had to go out to berlin... angie doesnt want to be alone for the two weeks so guess who gets to go over there with her yeah thats right me.. and i really dont want to.. someone should come save me
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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6:33 pm - I should update this more
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so yes yesterday... my birthday, well during the day i watched some kurt cobain stuff with maury we chilled at my house till 7 then scotty boy came and picked us up and we went to go get angie and chris. i made scott take me to the mall so i could get the My Ruin ep for maury. after that we went to some guy named angel's apartment. he had a really heavy spanish accent he was so hard to understand. we stayed there for a couple of minutes then went and ate subway... mmm subway. then we sat at perkins for like a hour i guess maury and i ate ice cream.. good old ice cream then we went to Rocky, it was fun for the most part. except for that stupid motherfucker who keept starring at maury i swear to god i wanted to stab out his eyes with my ice cream spoon from earlier.( i have other reasons for wanting to do so then just him starring at her im not THAT over protective give me some criedt here) i remember why i dont go to rocky though.. im way to mature for my age and 99% of the people there. i dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. i mean is it just me or is it really degrating and stupid to walk around in your bra all night? come on.
after we got out it was like 2:30ish i didnt see her standing there but vanessa ran up to me and grabbed me by my waist and stuff i was actually suprised to see her there. anyway she was bitching because she came down there just to see me and say happy birthday but i had to go. she got all sad and stuff. i said something about being cold and she was like "you're cold? and lifted up her hoodie... she wasnt wearing anything underneath it so she flashed me in front of maury i thought maury was going to kill her right then and there.
jake didnt call to say happy birthday...stupid prick.
i dont know if this is going to make sense to anyone its kinda rambly but thats okay.
*update*
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| Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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11:56 pm - blah
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So we had to put one of my dogs to sleep a couple days ago. His name was shadow he was a black lab. he just got to old. we got a new puppy hes a chocolate lab, hes cute and full of engery.
on another note i miss my maury, shes been gone for 5 days now, i wont see her again for over a week from now, im not use to this i dont like it not at all. this is the first time ive been home since shes left im tring to keep busy so i dont sit and think about her and how much i miss her and cry all day long. i got a letter from her in the mail today i cried when i read it, i miss her to damn much i dont like being without her, god i really think i would just curl up and die if i ever actually lost her i dont know what i would do with myself.
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2003
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6:22 pm - Picture of maury and me
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4:54 pm - Why do i bother?
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so i finally told jade that im engaged. and she gets all hurt and pissed off over it even though shes with some chick... so i go and feel bad about it.. why do i even care if shes sad? she hurt me a lot in the past, and she knows it. blah
current mood:  sore
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11:35 am - Hey
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| Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
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9:36 pm - To Clarify
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In my last update i was talking about Jeni... my ex. I went to pridefest today and she was there with some friends... her and i have recently started talking again...But just in case you guys dont remember her or if i never told you about her, shes a girl who i dated on and off for three years... mostly on though... and shes be biggest bitch in the world she fucked me over so many damn times.
but yeah anyway back to my point.. Jeni came up to me right as i was about to leave and gave me a hug and everything was all fine and good. then this other girl (i dont know her name)she made like she was going to kiss jeni and i dont know why but it bugged the fuck out of me... then it confused the hell out of me because i normally dont give a damn who jeni is with.. i know i would never in my life take her back. and im HAPPY with maury. everything is all fine and good there but i dont know im just confused as to why that bothered me so much what the hell man. im just confused
current mood:  confused
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5:02 pm
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| Friday, June 20th, 2003
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10:15 am - Holy Shit
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I posted this in my deadjournal but im going to post this here to because i can.
I'm going to be a aunt... my brother and his girl are having a baby. Its been 7 years since i last saw him. but i talk to him on the phone all the time.. awww im going to be a aunt.
if its a girl they are going to name her Raven Elizabeth. ( thats what i always wanted to name my daughter if i ever had one.. but seeing how im not they want to name theirs that.)
And if its a boy they arent sure yet. They want me to come up with the name for the boy too but i dunno what to name it. Any suggestions?
current mood:  happy
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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10:42 am - Happenings
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Last night was so amazing. I feel so much closer to Maury now. Recently I've been noticing that our relationship had been lacking something. I got so freaked out by the Annie and Vanessa situation because Maury and I were heading in the same direction. I really just didnt want to admit that to myself or anyone else, kind of like if I dont think or talk about it, it doesnt exist. What we were lacking was... I dont really want to say love, but yet I do. I mean we both knew that we loved each other we just really haven't been showing it as much as we should.Just slowing things down... kissing her (we never kiss like that anymore) Its been 8 months since I last made out with her We kiss yeah but not like that. Im not really sure why because I've always loved doing that with her, I love the way she kisses me and the way I feel while shes doing it. Having one night that it just wasnt about sex, having one night where we actually made love ( again we havent dont that for 8 months) it was amazing it was wonderful to have her laying there me looking into her eyes and actaully savoiring the moment. It was starting to feel like our relationship just revolved around our sex lives... like our sex lives WAS our relationship. Last night I found out she was kind of feeling the same way, just that something wasnt right that we were kind of drifting apart if you will. I dont want to lose her and I dont want her to think im with her merely because the sex is good, Im with her because i love her, shes the best thing to ever happen to me and thats the truth Ive dated other girls before ive been with other people, not one of them can compare to Maury, not one of the ever made me feel the way she does, I swear I still get butterflies everytime i see her, everytime she holds me and looks into my eyes.I feel more secure with her now then I have in the past 8 months, I guess last night was just a reminder as to exactly why we are engaged, why we will be getting married and why we are in this relationship in the first place. Maury, Im really sorry I let all of this slip away like that in the first place I dont want either of us to ever feel like that again, Im sorry sweetheart, I love you.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2003
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11:07 pm - bored
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| Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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6:49 pm - update.
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i just added the link to my deadjournal so if you want you can always go check that out, i might end up using that one more then this one, i havent decided yet, so if you want to keep with with what im doing if anyone is actually intrested in that head on over to my DJ
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
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9:24 pm
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Vanessa and andrea are no longer together. I'm sitting here looking through stuff on the forum and what do I find? Haikus that are written by both of them, Annie seems so hurt so I gave her my phone number in case she wants to talk. I hope vanessa doesnt get mad at me for it, girls can be fickle like that at times. I think that they were good for each other untill they decided to have some what of a open relationship then it all went to hell. They were together for so long, it makes me think.. what would happen if that happened between Maury and I... What if i really lost her? God it really rips my heart out just thinking about it I dont know what I would do if it actaully happened. I can only imagin what the both of them are going through right now. I know vanessa is really hurt, even if she wont admit it to anyone, not even herself. Annie is more of a open book, she lets everyone know her feelings.. i dont think thats a bad thing in this case.I really wish that i could make the both of them feel better. who knows maybe they will end up back together after a while, but i dont know if vanessa would be willing to give up bre, and if shes not then it wouldnt work.i dont think bre would be any more willing to call it off with vanessa then vanessa would be to call it off with bre. I dont think i could live with myself if i was bre knowing that im pretty much ending a relationship that lasted more then 2 and a half years. im sure if bre and the few other girls weren't in the picture then vanessa and andrea would work it out and be all fine and happy again. god if they dont get back together thats going to make things so weird. I told vanessa last night just to take a break from everyone and re-evaulate her entire life. she needs to take a step back and realize whats more important to her, sex or someone who really loves her. now even if she decides that andrea isnt the person for her which she might, then she just needs to find someone who would be right for her instead of what shes doing right now. This whold thing has gotten me so scared though cause what if.. what if maury and i broke up... what if it actaully happened. what would i do? i cant even answer that question for myself, what would she do? im scared of that answer. i made her promise she wouldnt do anything to um... drastic shall we say.. but would she keep that promise to me? god i really hope so. I have totally lost myself in her, i dont know what i would do, who i would be without her, shes my life, i love her with all my heart, theres never going to be anyone else that could even remotely compare to her.
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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8:35 pm - ahh my good old neglected journal,
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i just figured i would write in here for once seeing how i dont do it very often anymore. Things have been going pretty good recently. I'm going rock climbing tomorrow for school, watch me kill myself. Im going to be trying to get my own place here soon, and my friend lora from NJ might be comming here to room with me. It would be cool, but i know maury would be jealous as all hell because lora's also gay. she really doesnt have anything to be jealous over though seeing how its her that i will be "marrying" well its going to be as much of a wedding as two girls can have. I really cant wait because shes makes me so damn happy.
I might have pictures of me from prom soon so if anyones interested in seeing those let me know and stuff.
current mood:  peaceful
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003
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12:24 pm - Month Of Hell
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so yeah i have all that stuff going on with maury that i posted about the other day.. i decided to talk about everything else... i dont know if you guys who read this will remember Casey.. the woman who use to live with me she was my cousins girlfriend they had two kids yeah well last week she died, in a car accident,out in vegas. Her boyfriend( not my cousin) at the time was drunk and running from the cops he was going 90 in a 35 lost control hit a light pole the pole went through the car and her now my her kids will grow up with out there mom because some dumb fuck.
Im also sick or i could be sick or i dunno, i had to go to the doctor on thrusday they think i have a thyriod problem...they took 5 test tube things of blood and like im suppose to hear back from them at anytime now.. i dont want them to call me because i dont want to know.
and on top of that ive been having more problems with maury.. they dont include vanessa shes freaking out cause she thinks shes going to do something and lose me so shes like pulling away from me in a way and its getting to me
Then Jade.. yes jade is back in the picture she told me she wants me back she still loves me she has never stopped loving me and she hopes on day her and i will be back together again.
i just want this month to end.. i should curl up in my bed and just not get out of it untill febuary is over. someone please come like shoot me and get it over with.
current mood:  crappy
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| Monday, December 30th, 2002
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6:40 pm - Mandy
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| Saturday, September 21st, 2002
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2:41 pm - oh wow....
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so im finally 18... go me. hehe
maury came over last night to spend my birthday with me... it was more then wonderful. im so happy with her its not even funny
current mood:  indescribable
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| Friday, August 30th, 2002
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9:25 pm - Questions
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so like i told rochelle im going to start posting these questions here every week or so... i have to do them for my psych class... you guys should answer them
Do you think the wold will be a better or wose place 100 years from now? explain.
Would you rather be a member of a championship sports team or be the campion of n individual sport? Which sport would you choose?
Would you except 1,000,000 to leave the country and never set foot in it again? If you were expelled from the country and had limited financial resources, where would you rebuild your life?
on a different note... my rat died today =*(
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| Wednesday, August 28th, 2002
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12:10 pm - I Lost Two Friends...
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last night, around 7:50 to 8 pm my time troy and carrie and nicole were driving home on a bridge troy lost control they spun out and went into the on comming lane of traffic where they were t-boned by an on comming car. troy and carrie both died they were both only 16 years old. troy was one of the most wonderful guys i have ever met he had so much going for him.. nicole, his 14 year old sister was the only surviver... she was the only one wearing a seat belt. and because of that shes alive.
i just cant believe troy and carrie are gone.....
current mood: melancholy
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